This blog post may seem a little dark…. Almost not want to admit, I am stressed out these days, I am constantly anxious about things, this and that, small or big. It’s making me miserable.
I’ve been suffering from anxiety for many years, on and off. The very first time of me strongly feeling myself is suffering from such a thing, it took me a long time to get out of it. Probably one of the worst times in my life so far, I was depressed, stressed out, miserable, no desire to eat, often felt out of breath, also annoyed a lot of people were around me at the time.
I went to see doctors, did a lot of sports, went into the nature, also had help from a charity called Samaritans, who provides a safe space for me to talk, to someone I don’t know but he (she) listens like the dearest friend. Almost half-year later, I did manage myself out that dark time but I knew it’ll be back.
What is triggering it? Sometimes I have no idea. Sometimes, for me, it’s LOVE. I grew up in a village, left home and went abroad at age of 16, I went through some rough time already and I am not afraid what’s coming for me, good or bad or ugly. Most of time, I am not worrying about myself but the people I love. What I am anxious about is the unknown outcome apply to my family and friends if anything horrible happen to me.
I always think the worst outcome of a thing. However, I was more careless when I was younger. I was always been like – ‘well, it’s not that bad, is it?’. Even the worst scenario would have solutions to it most of time. If there isn’t, then f*ck it. That’s a period of time of me living just for myself.
As my age goes up, I feel like there are more responsibilities in me, especially about my career and relationship. My parents though are better than most of Asian parents I know (quite demanding), they still like to talk to me about their expectations on my future – have my own business or work with family, have a nice car and big house, husband and kids etc. Oh, and they really want me to go back living in China.
If I were younger, I won’t listen at all and potentially start yelling at them –‘It’s my life! I ain’t gonna listen to you!’ But as I am growing up, I start to understand them, where they come from and why they think that. However, I still have my own way of doing things so I feel a little selfish sometimes because I understand their worry and hope but I’m not doing what they want me to.
One thing I’m sure of, I don’t want to let them down.
So when it comes to some big life decisions or events involve ones I love, anxiety hits me hard. Worrying if anything I do or happen to me will effect them.
Right, think I’ll stop there or I’ll overthink everything and create a huge puzzle in my head.
I’m definitely getting better at managing my mood and feelings. It’s just once I get into these negativities, it’s quite hard to get out.
I hope one day I won’t be suffering from anxiety or depression anymore.
I’d like to believe so 🙂